"DISSOCIATIVE PHYSICS" || ATARDECIDA

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DISSOCIATIVE PHYSICS
(23/08/2022)


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I don't know what's behind you
God, do I want to know at all?
I'm swaying, my extremities are tingling
I'll pass out, I'll throw up, I'm feeling faint
Whose fingers am I feeling?
When I was four years old
I had a debilitating fear of my bedroom wall
I'm an animal, I'm a machine, I'm a fractal, I'm a saint

I'm something, or someone, dissolved in acid
In TV static, lurching forward, black mass in the sky
And now there's blood pouring down my body
And I'm emptying my soul over the toilet bowl
White noise, lurching forward, acid in my mouth
Who am I at midnight?
Who are you when the light hits your eyes?
What's the name of the cancer ensnared in your soul?

And can you tell me where you were touched?
Sir, I don't know, I can't stand being touched anywhere,
I was fantasizing about hanging myself when I was eleven,
And I was hunted tirelessly when they saw I was weak,
And they salivated over my would-be carcass, hoping, maybe
That they'd get a taste of flesh they thought was clean,
But I don't know what they saw in it, I've been everywhere,
They'll step on you, if need be, to reach the volcano's peak.

And if it's something wrong with my DNA, I'd like to change it.
And if it's something wrong with my karma, I'd like to change it.
And if it's something wrong with my brain, I'd like to change it.
And if it's something wrong with you, wouldn't you change it?

And now I twitch and shout uncontrollably at the sound of a pindrop,
And my dreams are still haunted by ropes of white slime,
And my thoughts are still haunted by blood and viscera,
And my hands are still haunted by obscene imaginings,
And my heart is still haunted by our exchanges,
And my pulse is still haunted by your schadenfreude,
And my [blank] is still haunted by your [blank],
And I don't know whether I'm in it or out of it,
I don't know whether I'm me today, or him, or someone else,
Whether I'm enigmatic, sporadic, angelic, or pornographic,
Or whether any of it is worth it at all-
I mean, look at what you've left me to work with,
You've given me a fundamentally unsolvable equation.