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INFINITE NOBODIES (12/07/2024) back I watched people as I walked. Everyone is always going somewhere. They all have somewhere to go, headed somewhere, Don't get in their way- they have places to be. Some, at the very least, will glance at me Or step around me, which lets me know That I still take up physical space, Despite how invisible and spectral I feel. I looked at a discarded shelf and bicycle And a broken trampoline and office chair Laying on the side of the road, And I wondered about people like me, The ones who don't have anywhere to go And only have places to leave behind- Maybe because they were left behind. I don't know how to talk to you like a person, Because people go places, people want things, People have places to be and people to be. And I don't have anywhere to go, I don't know who I am or what I am, Nor do I know how to want anymore. Correction, I do want- I want to want. I want to want things that make sense to you So that I can make sense to you As a thing who's a person, with a place to be And things to do, and things to be And things to want, and a place to go Even after I have something to leave behind again. This isn't an unfamiliar neighborhood by any means. I've lived here for a few years now, And I used to stop by here with my family as a child. I know these places and things, I've seen them, But something's changed, like the aura's different. Everything here feels like it died But the ghost of what it used to be still lingers in its body, Never getting the chance to pass on to the other side, While its body rots. I sat quietly on the rooftop of the shopping mall for a while, And I was the only person up there. I went to the electronics store to maybe buy a CD, And I was the only person in the CD aisle. I did a good impression of a human being while I bought the CD, Just this please, cash, thanks, you too, And I left. You know where I had to be after that? Nowhere. I've tried being many different people And many different things, And each and every individual life I lived Was one I had to leave behind, And I had nowhere to go, every time. So when I talk to you, and you want to know me, Who I am, what I am, where I'm going, I can only ever tell you Everyone I'm not, everything I'm not, And everywhere I'm not going. So figuring out who and what I am And where I'm going and what I want Is a process of elimination. But it's one that never ends, because, you know, There are infinite things someone can be, Infinite people to be, infinite places to go, Infinite things to want. Yet somehow, every time I try To have something to be, someone to be, Places to go, I can only tell you, at the end, Everything and everyone that I am not, And everywhere I had to leave behind, Everywhere that left me behind. I am defined by everything I am not, I am infinite nothings, infinite nobodies, And going infinite nowheres. I don't know how to be someone or something Or want anything That makes sense to you, that sounds right, That sounds familiar and friendly. Please, look at me. Please just look me in the eyes So I know you can actually see me and hear me Occupying physical space and making actual sounds. Please don't laugh at me. Please let me know I'm alive. I know I want you to stay for a while, but that sounds wrong to you. I want to tell you that I want to be loved, that I want to be cared about, That I want to be someone who people think of, That I want to be a place that people want to go. But I know- Nobody wants to go nowhere, Nobody wants to have nothing, And nobody wants to have nobody to love.  |
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